Ya’ll. It might be time for you to add a new member to your adventuring party. Not just anyone will do though. You know who you want by your side as you face the challenges that surely lie ahead. It’s none other than Astarion the Vampire Rogue, and you’ve come across this fantasy dildo by The Wandering Bard at just the right time.
If you don’t know Astarion, he’s an elf turned vampire who made his first video game appearance in Baldur’s Gate 3, and quickly became a fan favorite character. There’s a lot of backstory that I’m not well versed enough in to share, and also, this is a dildo review not a character study.
Meet Astarion the Vampire Rogue Dildo
When it comes to fantasy dildos, many people think dragons, tentacles, centaurs, or werewolves, and while The Wandering Bard does have other toys that fall into those categories, this dildo is not one of them. Elves are pretty humanoid creatures, so it’s reasonable to imagine that an elven penis would look pretty similar to a human penis. Astarion the Vampire Rogue dildo is very humanoid. It’s got a prominent coronal ridge that leads into a curved, smooth, tapered shaft. Towards the bottom of the shaft, some texture is added to the dildo with a harness that leads down below the testicles. It’s almost like a cock ring, but a more fantasy world appropriate style. The testicles on the dildo are quite small, but still fairly realistic in the texture and appearance.
Astarion, as a dildo, has minimal texture. Like very minimal texture. I’d classify it as a low texture toy. The head, glans, and coronal ridge are where the majority of usable texture sits, with a very small amount of vein texture on the shaft and where that harness sits on the bottom of the shaft. If you’re looking for a highly textured dildo, this one is not it. However, if you’re looking for a dildo with some texture that can provide you with a good stretch, Astarion might fit your desires!
With 6 different sizes of Astarion the Vampire Rogue dildos available, you can customize your dildo by size, firmness, pour style, colors, and with/without a suction cup base. Some sizes can have a vac-u-lock attachment hole instead, called a Goblin Lock. Alternatively, if you don’t want to purchase a custom, you can also shop the inventory drops that Wandering Bard does ~2x a month. I purchased my Astarion during one of their drops, and he’s a size small with a suction cup in shore 00-30, which is a softer firmness than I usually opt for. Here are the dimensions of the size small:
- Total length: 7.25″ / 18.4cm
- Useable length: 5.5″ / 14cm
- Minimum circumference: 4.875″ / 12.3cm
- Minimum diameter: 1.54″ / 3.91cm
- Midshaft circumference: 5.5″ / 14cm
- Maximum circumference: 6.125″ / 15.6cm
- Maximum diameter: 1.95″ / 4.95cm
- O-ring size: 2.5″ / 6.35cm
Keeping Astarion Out of Trouble (aka, care instructions)
The good news when it comes to taking care of Astarion from Wandering Bard Toys is that he’s really easy to clean. Since there isn’t a lot of texture, you likely won’t need a soft brush to get in any nooks and crannies. All you need is warm water and an unscented, antibacterial soap that is not silicone based, or your preferred toy cleaner that is safe for platinum cure silicone. You should always wash toys both before and after use!
If you need to do a deeper clean, Wandering Bard recommends boiling in water for 5-10 minutes, carefully making sure that the toy is not resting against the sides or bottom of the pot. Alternatively, you can also soak your toy in a 10% bleach & water mixture for 5-10 minutes, or run through the dishwasher but only on a sanitize setting AND you do not use detergent.
As with all silicone toys, it is recommended to only use water based lubricants or oil based lubricants. Wandering Bard also recommends that if you are going to use condoms on your toys, only use condoms that are non-lubricated.
When storing your toys, make sure that platinum cured silicone is only touching other platinum cured silicone toys. Do not store it against PVC, Jelly, TPE or other materials, as they can damage the surface of your toy! I store most of my toys on glass display shelves or in storage bags.
Romancing Astarion the Vampire Rogue
Ok, before I get too deep into this review, I have to confess: I have not played enough Balder’s Gate 3 to complete the game, nor have I romanced Astarion during gameplay.
Whew. Ok. Now that I’ve made that confession, I can get down to business and share my experiences with Wandering Bard Toys’ Astarion the Vampire Rogue dildo!
As I mentioned earlier, I purchased the size small, soft firmness Astarion dildo from one of Wandering Bard’s drops back in June. I’d been eying the model for a minute, and was not so patiently waiting for a size small in a pour I loved to pop up. When I saw the marble swirl with red, white and black, I swooned, but didn’t buy it immediately. Instead, I just visited the listing several times over the course of a week before finally pulling the trigger and buying it. It was the right size and I really loved the pour, but I wasn’t too sure about the 00-30 softness. I tend to prefer 00-50 for my toys.
When Astarion arrived, I was even more pleased with how cool the coloration looked in person. It wasn’t just black, it was shimmery black, similar to the black in my custom Shadow Demon. The red was also shimmery and vibrant, and the hints of white really made the red & black pop in such an eye catching way. I believe the red is “Blood Red” and the black is “Cosmic” from The Wandering Bard’s color chart.
I didn’t just buy Astarion for the aesthetics, though. My eye was drawn to the curved, tapered shaft and the prominent coronal ridge. Honestly? The curve of the shaft reminded me of a past lover, whose cock drove me absolutely wild. I can already tell you that Astarion has stuck around longer than he ever did AND has given me far more orgasms in the several months he’s sat in my toy collection.
Speaking of orgasms!!! The coronal ridge is so so good. It’s perfect for g-spot stimulation (and prostate stimulation, I imagine). Every time I used Astarion the Vampire Rogue, my legs were shaking, my eyes were rolling, and moans were escaping my mouth in pleasure. When Cassie used the dildo on me while I was in doggystyle going down on her, I went from aroused to feral in seconds as the dildo stretched me open and that coronal ridge rubbed against my inner walls as she pushed the dildo in & out over and over again.
It wasn’t just the joy of being stuffed from both ends, though. Using Astarion during solo play was just as delightful. Precariously positioned against my ergonomic handle, I used the handle to fuck my own brains out with Astarion. The suction cup on the size small is ever so slightly too big for the suction cup handle I have, but I did my best to make it work! As a side note here, I was told that SilcArts is working on a new, v3 handle that will have a larger suction cup plate. Hopefully, it’s large enough to accommodate the suction cup on the base of size small Astarion.
Even when I simply inserted Astarion, using my thighs to keep it in place as I rocked my hips while using a vibrator on my clitoris, the dildo still hit the right spot and gave me a good stretch. Sure, the size small isn’t the biggest stretcher in my collection, but I don’t always want nor can I always take the biggest ones! Astarion is a comfortable stretch for me vaginally, especially if I don’t go “balls deep”.
With the suction cup base and the curved shaft, Astarion the Vampire Rogue has become my favorite shower dildo. I like to have it suctioned to the wall while I’m in a standing position, bent over slightly to take it vaginally from behind. The curve helps me keep it inserted easier than a non-curved shaft that wants to pop out & return to its normal, straight shape. For me, it’s perfect in the shower.
Emboldened by my recent foray into anal, I tried to take the small Astarion anally. I only got the head inserted before the taper became far, far too much for me to handle and I had to quickly give up. For now, Astarion is strictly a vaginal dildo for me!
On the opposite end of the anal spectrum, Cassie has declined using Astarion due to size, firmness and texture. While the coronal ridge caught her eye, the size small in such a soft firmness without much texture is not her type of toy. So, alas, dear readers, you will likely not get Cassie’s thoughts on the dildo.
As far as strap-on usage, it absolutely can be done with this model! However, the base itself is not good for an o-ring, so you would either need to use an o-ring over the testicles or use a suction cup harness. The size small Astarion needs a 2.5″ / 6.35cm o-ring. Alternatively, it would fit both the suction cup strap-on harness and thigh harness available from Peepshow Toys (I have not tried these options, but they do exist and the measurements are compatible on paper).
Pros:
- made with body-safe silicone in the US
- customizable size, firmness, colors, pour style, and base
- coronal ridge is stellar for g-spot stimulation
- tapered shaft gives a good stretch
- anal safe
- harness compatible
- easy to clean
- curved shaft works to your benefit when suctioned to a wall
Cons:
- soft silicone has some static that holds lint, dust, hair, etc to the surface
- size small suction cup is slightly too big for SilcArts v2 suction cup handle
- may lack the depth and amount of texture some fantasy dildo lovers prefer
- shipping to EU and paying import tax practically doubles the cost
My Final Thoughts on Astarion the Vampire Rogue by Wandering Bard Toys
Despite the minimal texture on Astarion, this fantasy dildo from Wandering Bard is a well made toy and I really, really enjoy the design. Everything from the coronal ridge and glans down to the suction cup base works together to give me the bliss I’m always craving. Astarion the Vampire Rogue is a fantastic toy for helping me stretch before taking a thicker dildo, but he’s also top tier as the only toy used to penetrate me. The soft 00-30 firmness also aids in that comfortable stretching process, though I still prefer 00-50 firmness.
I do not have an affiliate link or code for Wandering Bard Toys, but don’t let that stop you from shopping! You can see all available listings of Astarion here, including the custom listing.
Though Wandering Bard Toys has been kind enough to gift me toys in exchange for reviews in the past, I am not affiliate with the brand in any way, and this toy was purchased by me.
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