Whew. Where do I begin? I’ve meant to properly blog about my international move to the Netherlands for a while now. I originally hoped to have a more personal blog go up leading up to move, but I can’t even begin to describe just how stressful the moving process and planning and everything surrounding the move were.
I had months of feeling underwater with everything that needed doing. There were times when I felt that I only had spoons for moving related things and money earning things, and everything else was Too Much. As someone whose a big advocate of having a healthy balance between living and working, it was incredibly unhealthy for me.
But, I did it. I’m in Europe now. In fact, I’ve been here a bit over 2 months now.
Wait, what are you talking about Sydney?
I knew that Vegas wasn’t going to be a forever home for me. While I really enjoyed the city and the sex working community there, the city also felt a bit hallow and superficial. In the recent few years, those feelings became stronger.
What was even worse though, was that Las Vegas no longer felt safe to me or my now wife, Cassie. Both of us had incidents of being followed & harassed by strangers. Neighbors started putting up Trump signs. The vibe of Vegas changed for the worse, and it was rapidly getting worse. We got to the point where we wouldn’t grocery shop solo, we rarely felt safe going out unless we were with a group, we only went to friends’ houses. It was really bad for both of us.
The decision to leave Vegas was an easy one. We both knew that we wanted out of Vegas, and thought about places in the US where we could potentially thrive. We considered the PNW, but trans friends of ours who lived there told us about how they were routinely harassed too, and trading one unsafe city for a new one just didn’t seem like the right call for us.
Then, a sex working trans friend of ours started planning their move to the Netherlands. As we followed their journey planning their move, visiting the country, and finally actually moving, things really clicked into place for us: leaving the US was the key our future.
We considered Portugal, Spain and the Netherlands, ultimately deciding that the Netherlands was the best option for us. With at least one friend there, plus a great visa program for me, plus all the other great things we read & learned about the Netherlands, it was a fairly easy choice.
I Live in the Netherlands Now, Ya’ll
And I still don’t really believe it. I’ll be walking down the street to the grocery store or strolling around Centrum, and it’ll hit me: “I live here now.” But it also feels incredibly surreal. Is this my life now? Is this what it feels like to live again? Is this what it feels like to have a future?
While I was still in Vegas, there were times where I lost my ability to see a future for myself and for my relationship. Things got really, really bad for me & my mental health. I was in such a deep, dark, depressed state that it was hard to see more than a few weeks into the future. But now that I’m here in the Netherlands? Now I see a future in years, instead of weeks or months.
It’s hard to put into words the shift that occurred upon getting here, but the best way I’ve found to put it is this: I feel as though an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel less suffocated by my surroundings. I feel safe. I feel cozy. I feel welcomed. I feel challenged. I feel less need to always be in control. I feel less stressed. I feel excited to get out of bed every day. I feel like years have been added to my life. I feel…well… happy.
Beyond how I feel mentally, the numerous changes that I’m having to adapt to don’t feel daunting. And there are a lot of changes that I’m having to adapt to. We don’t have cars, so we walk or use public transit to get around, which is glorious. I’m walking way more than ever before, and beyond that, I’m actually leaving the house pretty much every single day. I can call my doctor and get a same day or next day appointment if needed. Stores are closed certain days of the week, and close around 6pm on the days they are open. Food tastes different here. I have to be mindful of people on bicycles. There are so many changes that I’m still learning to face day by day, and they’re not sending me into a panic attack every time I have to adapt.
Life moves at a different pace in the Netherlands. I didn’t really notice it until Cassie pointed it out to me one day, but I’m technically working less now that I’m here. I’ve slowed down, not in a bad way, but in a healthy way. My stress levels are significantly lower. The quality of my work has gone back up, despite working fewer hours.
It feels really, really good. I feel really, really good.
Before the move, I got to a place where I genuinely did not feel good about how I looked on camera. I looked tired, I looked stressed, I looked depressed. All the makeup in my collection couldn’t change that. Now that I’m here, I’m investing time into taking care of myself again. Not just being active every day and eating healthier whether I am trying or not, but also by returning to my self care rituals. Cassie and I have started a night time routine of doing our skincare together, laughing & chatting through each of the steps, connecting over something that brings me a lot of joy. I am noticing the differences. I look happier, I look healthier, I look better than I did 3 months ago. I look better than I did a year ago. And on top of looking better, I feel better too.
It’s Not All Sunshine & Unicorns, Though
Life is better here. Period. But, it’s also not perfect here. We arrived during “the worst time of the year”, according to some newly made friends. It’s dreary and overcast most days. The Netherlands is by far The Coldest place I’ve ever lived, with temperatures hovering between -1C and 5C most days. It rained a lot the first several weeks of being here. I’ve really appreciated the way the Dutch make winter feel less dark though. There are lights everywhere, and not just like… city lights, but also, people have warm white Christmas lights up still (yes, even in February!). Despite the cold, wet, dreary weather, I’ve repeatedly used the word “cozy” to describe how it feels here.
We are making friends, but it’s been slow moving. We were lucky to connect with other expats who are either sex workers themselves or connected to the sex work industry, which has helped a lot. We have spent a bit of time with our neighbors, because it’s customary to introduce yourself to your neighbors here, lest they think you’re some kind of weirdo. But I’ve also felt incredibly lonely, being ever so aware of the fact that there’s now an entire ocean between me and the people that I love most: friends & family. To make it even worse, my phone is not handling dual sim cards very well, and so I’m missing text messages from friends. I’m unable to text friends unless they’re also iPhone users. Not all of my friends have been willing to switch to alternative means of texting. When the feelings of being disconnected from people I love set in, it really really sucks. A lot. I think it’s the thing I’m struggling the most with.
Our move also meant letting go of our pets. For Dita, my beloved little old lady cat, it was her time to go. She wasn’t in great health and it was only getting worse day by day. I made the decision to have her cross the rainbow bridge before we left, and the day that she crossed the bridge in the comfort of our living room in Vegas was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a very long time. However, because of everything going on with our move, I didn’t even have time to grieve until I got to the Netherlands, something that I know caused further stress on me to not be able to feel sooner. For Ravioli, Cassie’s goofy giant doggo, we were really lucky that we were able to re-home him. He now lives with someone we know on a large piece of land in Oregon. He has a husky friend that he lives with and loves playing with, and he has space to run and play and patrol. It wouldn’t have been fair to shrink his lifestyle down to European size though, especially as a giant breed dog.
Watching the political climate of the US take a terrifying turn for the worse has also been really rough on both Cassie and I. Our goal in getting here was to help others leave the US, and we knew were making this huge change whether Trump or Harris won the election. Now that Trump is in office and signing all sorts of devastating EOs, I’m truly glad that we’re here. But I’m also scared for my friends, my family, my peers. I wish I could bring everyone I love here. I wish the US was a safer place for them. It’s not pity that I feel, but rather a sense of survivor’s guilt. More of our friends are reaching out to ask about how they can leave, which is great, but the reality is that this move was The Most Expensive thing I’ve ever done, and not everyone has the luxury of affording a move like this.
This Is Home Now
I’ve been here since December 1st, having moved into our apartment on December 2nd (because the Dutch don’t work weekends, so arriving on a Sunday was not ideal). I have my permit card. I get mail to my apartment. I have a doctor. I have a pharmacy. I have health insurance. I have a favorite coffeeshop to buy weed from. I have friends. I have a Dutch bank account & debit card.
Oh, and, there are so many cats! While I miss Dita a lot, meeting the neighborhood cats that roam the streets is a blessing. Most of them are friendly and will stop for a few pats, some are scared and run off, but some of the cats will literally throw themselves against you demanding pets until you begrudgingly walk away or until someone with a dog walks towards them. Some cats we only get to admire from the other side of a window. Being able to stop to pet cats as I walk to & from home has helped ease the grief I feel about Dita & Ravioli. Don’t tell, but I even let one sneak into our apartment for a few minutes the other day, and he was kind enough to let me pick him up and hold him long enough to snap a selfie & to help heal my broken heart.
I’m still going through the adjustment period. I’m still learning about my new home country. I imagine I’m going to be adjusting and learning for a while. But I’m here and I’m safe. The sun is starting to come out from behind the clouds more and more each day, both literally and figuratively.
This is where I live now, and it still blows my mind multiple times per week.