A play on movie titles aside, I have always loved sex toys, but I will admit that I also went through a period of time where I felt intimidated by the use of sex toys in my partnered sex life. And judging by the comments I get on my social media videos pretty much every single time I share a dildo review, I get the feeling that a lot of people are also intimidated by sex toys.
These comments tell me that men especially are insecure about why a woman would need a sex toy. I’m confident that it’s not just men who feel this insecurity, especially given my own experience. It sucks that these folks can’t imagine a life in which sex toys enhance their sex and relationship!
I want to share my experiences and thoughts about how I overcame my intimidation about using sex toys while in relationships, in hopes that maybe others will learn and grow the way I have!
My Backstory
I’ve had sex toys since I turned 18. I’ve had sex toys while being single and while being in relationships. But just because I owned them doesn’t mean that I always used them! There were a lot of periods where my sex toys sat untouched, and those periods of time were usually while I was in a committed relationship with someone.
I feel a bit embarrassed to admit this, as someone who is so passionate about sex toys, but I used to think that sex toys were not very important when you had a relationship with a healthy sex life. In some of the relationships I had, I would hide my sex toys so that my partner wouldn’t know that I have them! That wasn’t always necessary, but I also felt a bit of shame about owning them while in a relationship.
After spending a good amount of time processing that fact about myself, I’m not solely to blame for the shame I felt. I had partners who vocalized their discomfort with me having sex toys. I had partners who thought that just because I had an orgasm with a vibrator, that I wouldn’t be up for having sex with them. I had partners who were intimidated by sex toys that were larger than their penis size.
In some of my past relationships, I felt that sex toys could only used with each other – no masturbation, no sex toys that couldn’t be used as a couple, no toys that a partner would think of as “replacing” them. It never made me feel good to have to hide my sex toys from my partners or to only masturbate when they were not around.
And whether I meant to do so or not, I carried that shame with me to the point where I also projected those feelings onto others. When I started living with my current partner, I caught myself thinking “oh, she masturbated today, she’s not going to be up for sex with me.” That toxic mindset that had been nurtured into my belief system was now hurting my relationship.
In retrospect, it’s no wonder that I felt embarrassed and ashamed.
While it feels very embarrassing to admit, it’s only in the last few years that I’ve found myself not feeling intimidated by sex toys!
Sex Toys Are NOT Your Competition
Look, the fact is that there is a very big difference between the feeling of a sex toy and the feeling of a partner’s anatomy. And unless you have experienced that difference, you may not believe me, but it’s true.
Even the most realistic dildos in my collection are still not a replacement for a penis having person. Dual density, triple density, ultra realistic, semi realistic, doesn’t fucking matter. Dildos don’t feel the same as a penis. Period. Sure, I do have some that are pretty dang close, such as the RealDoll RealCock 2 and the Solina Toys dildos, but they’re still not giving me the same sensation.
I have a maybe controversial take about this: my theory is that if someone has never been on the receiving end of a real penis AND a sex toy, they will likely never fully grasp the difference. They may forever be insecure about sex toys being replacements for “the real thing.”
Dildos and penises can both bring me insane amounts of pleasure, sure! But there is a difference between the two. Someone who has a penis who is fucking me with it has a bit more dexterity that someone fucking me with a dildo. Even with strap-on sex, it’s still not the same as having sex with someone who has a penis. Movements are different, both parties are able to feel one another, the dick doesn’t accidentally pop out of the harness, etc.
Sex toys are very personal choices for people. Some people find that realistic dildos give them a sense of uncanny valley, for example. Some people are monster fuckers who want a fantasy dildo, like Mr Hankey’s Toys Dildos & Dragons or Beowulf. Some people want a motorized toy. Some people want non-phallic dildos. Some people just want something different (and remember, different doesn’t mean better or worse, it just means different). There are so many reasons people seek out dildos specifically that are not meant to be a replacement for “the real thing.” And guess what? All of those reasons are valid!
Yea, I love having “the real thing” but also, sometimes, I don’t want that. Sometimes I want a glass toy. Sometimes I want a specific texture. Sometimes I don’t even want penetration, just external stimulation. And I gotta be honest: the times I’ve had partners try to stimulate my clitoris externally while using their dick have always been some of the most uncomfortable sex experiences I’ve had!
And of course, dildos aren’t even the only type of sex toy that people seek out! Vibrators, strokers, plugs, kink toys, extenders, grinders, etc are all under the sex toy umbrella. It’s also not just women that seek out sex toys, men and enbies do too!
Sex Toys Made My Sex Life Better
When I finally started processing the toxic mindset that I had about sex toys in my sex life, things changed a lot. At first, I only wanted to use sex toys during sex if I was the one controlling the toy while using it on my partner or if my partner was the one controlling the toy they were using on me. It was really limiting, actually.
Now, I get it. We all only have a maximum of 2 hands, so we’re already limited there too. We are greedy for the people we are pleasuring. But sometimes, the person we are pleasuring has multiple spots they want stimulated at the same time! Say you’ve got your dick or strap in someone’s hole, and that person wants their both of their nipples and their penis or clit stimulated at the same time. Logistically, you can’t do all of that at once. You don’t have enough hands. But, you could hand them a vibrator to hold on their penis or clitoris while you play with their nipples, and suddenly? They’re exploding. You’ve pushed them over the edge. They can’t stop cumming. You’re a god/dess/dexx of sex! You’re the best they’ve ever had!
That’s not the only reason someone may want sex toys in their sex life though. I mentioned earlier not wanting penetration, which is a great time for a vibrator or grinder to come into play. There are also people who find sex painful who use sex toys to help them warm up so sex can be pleasurable and fun for them. Sex toys also act as mobility aids for some, myself included!
I mention regularly in my reviews that I have grip issues in my hand, but that’s not the only disability that effects my sex life. Sometimes I experience a lot of foot pain and I have chronic back pain. It is occasionally harder for me to hand pump a dildo or I can’t stand & bend over for a long enough period of time to strap-on fuck my wife.
On the flip side, my wife has Peyronie’s disease, which has caused her girldick to have more of a triangle shape that is so girthy, sometimes it is painful for me to take her in my pussy. Without dildos, she wouldn’t be able to fuck me!
Some of my favorite sex toys that get used for both solo & partner play. Clockwise from the far left: Blush Wellness Eternal Wand, Blush Temptasia Cyrus strapless strap-on, FemmeFunn Klio, Satisfyer Pro 2 Gen 3, Fantasy Grove Daybreak, Uberrime Splendid Dual Density, Uncover Creations Tentacle Grinder II, Velvet Alley Rainbow
Sex toys are not your enemy here! They’re going to help improve the quality of your sex and maybe even the frequency of your sex. Sex toys used to be called marital aids for a reason! They are designed to make sex more fun and exciting and interesting!
Maybe you’re satisfied with the same positions over and over and over. But that sort of repetition gets boring, IMO. Variety is the spice of life, right?
If that’s not enough to convince you, I want to tell you about the sex my wife and I had the other night that would have not been possible without a sex toy! It was my birthday weekend, and my wife had been dropping hints about pulling the Motorbunny BUCK out to give me a show for a couple days. She plugged it in, I picked out which toggle & attachment I wanted and I sat on it first while she was behind me playing with my tits and kissing on my neck & ears. HOT, right?! It got hotter when she stood up, walking in front of me, and stuck her girlcock in my mouth. It was so hot, I came over and over and over again with her in my mouth and the Motorbunny thrusting into my pussy. Finally, I couldn’t handle the Motorbunny anymore, but I wasn’t done with sex either. She got on it and I laid in front of her so she could ride the Motorbunny while eating me out. SO HOT omg. When she couldn’t handle the multitasking any further, I realized that the position of her body to where I was on the bed made it possible for me to slide down a bit and ride her girlcock while she rode the Motorbunny. And you best believe that’s exactly what I did!
It was like a threesome with just the two of us and a sex toy. And it was so hot that I have not been able to stop fantasizing about it since then. But that’s how I get almost every single time we introduce a new sex toy into our relationship! I often find myself fantasizing about how a specific toy would fit into our sex life before I even have the toy in my hands.
How to Stop Feeling Intimidated by Sex Toys
There is not an easy way to flip the switch and stop being intimidated by sex toys, unfortunately. However, There are some things that I think can help:
- Work on putting your ego aside
- Start by being in control of the sex toy you are using on your partner, and pay close attention to how they react to it
- Have your partner control the sex toy while you are pleasuring them, again while paying close attention to how they react
- Communicate with your partner about what they look for in sex toys and why they want sex toys
- Have mutual masturbation sessions together (this can be in person, over the phone, or on a video call!)
- Experience the difference between a real penis and a dildo yourself
If you’re feeling insecure that your partner uses sex toys on themself or wants to incorporate sex toys into your sex life, try to remember that you aren’t being replaced. You’re being given the tools to enhance your sex life and make it more exciting. You’re being given a tool that will potentially make your partner feel more pleasure! And if you’re not wanting to make your partner feel more pleasure, you might be doing something wrong to begin with.
Incorporating Sex Toys into Your Relationship
First, remember that communication is key to having a better sex life. I don’t just mean engaging in dirty talk, I mean actually talking about your sex life together and how a marital aid could/would be used in your sex. If you’re feeling insecure about introducing toys into your sex life, tell your partner that and talk through it with them. If your partner is standoffish or jealous, consider talking to a professional together so you can work through these problems together. Having a mediator, such as a therapist, is a powerful way to work past insecurities!
Second, plan a date around getting a sex toy together! Honestly, this is my favorite piece of advice to give to people when it comes to sex toys. Take your partner out to dinner and/or drinks close to your local toy shop, and spend that time romancing them a bit to make them feel excited to go home with you because of what’s to come afterwards. Instead of heading home after your dinner and/or drinks, stop by that local adult toy store and browse together. Find toys that you think would be fun to try together, as there are a lot of “couples toys” that are designed to be used as a couple during sex. Those aren’t your only options though! Wands, bullet vibes and BDSM toys also make wonderful additions to sex. After you’ve picked out a toy together, it’s time to go home, wash that toy, and take it for a test drive together!
If you don’t have a sex toy store nearby that you can take your partner to, please consider using my affiliate link to Peepshow Toys to shop for a sex toy together. Peepshow Toys only carries body safe materials, whereas many brick & mortar stores will carry materials that are not body safe. As a bonus, use coupon code SYDNEY at checkout to save on your entire order (excludes bundles, sale items & SquarePegToys).
Your first time incorporating a sex toy into your sex life may feel clumsy or unusual, but remember that practice makes perfect. I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve had little mishaps while using sex toys. Laughing it off together is a fun way to make it less serious.
Finally, remind yourself as often as you need to that sex toys aren’t your competition, they are not your replacement, they are not better than you. Sex toys are tools, they are aids, they objects. A sex toy isn’t going to give your partner a good night kiss and say “I love you”, it’s not going to cuddle them after it made them orgasm. You bring value to your sex life, and adding a toy makes you appear more confident, more exciting, more eager to please your partner.
Not sure about where to start when it comes to sex toys? Be sure to continue reading my blog for lots of sex toy reviews!